Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Journey of Pain

It hasn't been easy, this journey of pain I've been on for over two months.  Just writing "two months" shakes me to my very core.  I never, ever thought I would still be battling pain this badly after two months.  Never...but I am. I know that having two injured discs in my back (plus a third weakened one) is not child's play, yet I really thought at this point I would be doing better.  It's really a day by day process.

I've been taking pain pills and I'm noticing that they are affecting my thyroid levels, so there's that issue, too.  Some days I'm battling not only pain, but anger and/or depression.  Yes, that's to be expected with the pain issues, but add the thyroid thing in, and you have one crazy woman! lol  The morphine is really starting to affect me and I'm going to call my doctor and see about getting a smaller dosage or a pill that I can at least break in half when I need to.  I've had some really strange dreams while being on the morphine.

I have really, really been trying to handle this whole thing with grace because I know one thing - I'm exactly where God wants me to be at this time.  It's His will.  He is growing me, changing me, building character in me and breaking those unbroken areas in my life that need to be broken. Yeah, it hurts - no doubt about it. However, I would rather be in pain and following the Lord and yielding to His will than to be perfectly fine and doing my own thing without Him.  I've done that and it really stinks.  Really. Stinks.

To help myself focus on what God wants and not my pain, I've been writing out index cards with Scriptures that really speak to me or comfort me.  I have these wonderful index cards that have different colored stripes across them.  I have no idea where I got them, but I love the fact that I can color-code my Scriptures.  It has really helped me to search the Bible for Scriptures and then write them out on card.  There's something very special and healing about writing out the Word of God in long hand.  I'm working on learning these Scriptures by heart as I know hiding the Word of God in my heart is the greatest treasure. 

I've also been very blessed by my family and friends.  My family never, ever makes me feel like a burden (although I'm sure it must feel that way at times) and they have all been so supportive and kind through all this.  My friends have been so wonderful, too.  I've gotten phone calls, cards, e-cards, emails, and the other day, flowers.  They have all encouraged me and helped me to feel not so alone or isolated.

Yes, there's that.  Isolation.  When you're in pain, you're isolated.  I'm having to stay at home the majority of the time and all the activities I was doing, are put on the shelf for the time being.  It's been especially hard in the area of my serving at church.  No one has made me feel bad for my inability to serve  but it's hard to give up those things that I enjoy doing so much.  I've been so blessed, though, that they have worked with me regarding all my serving and made it possible for me to do what I can.  I have to say, I really am in the best church with the best people, ever.  The fellowship there is just that - fellowship.  What a blessing!

So, yes, I'm in pain, Yes, it's hard . . .sometimes I cry, not just because of the pain, but because of the loss of not being able to do so many things.  Through it all, though, I have one thing that never changes.  The Lord, Jesus Christ.  He is the same always and He cares and is with me through all this.  I really couldn't go through all this if I didn't have Him.  He is my Rock on whom I stand.

God bless you - Julie


  1. Bless the Lord, Oh my soul, and all that is within me bless His Holy name!

    Just reading your blog made me think of this chorus...not sure if I got it right or not :)

    It is so nice hearing from you again...I have missed you. Feel free to email me anytime...even if just to vent. Most importantly...Our Lord will not give you more than you can handle...it is understandable that you get discouraged. After you are only human. But you are so loved by your God, your family, your friends...and I am one of them. Keep on writing...your words are beautiful.

    Love you,

  2. Julie!! I so wish I could do something for you! Know I am praying for you. Your strength is amazing!

  3. Thank you, Kristy. Your care is always so sweet. Thank you for always checking in with me and making me laugh with our Spongebob jokes!

    Thank you, Joyce! I love that hymn and it was such a wonderful reminder to always bless the Lord. I'm so glad to see you back blogging and, yes, I will send you an email probably tomorrow. Not to vent (probably-lol) but just to catch up with you. Thank you for you friendship and all your prayers!! You are a blessing!

    Dearest Bren-Just knowing that you are praying for me and that you understand more about my circumstances than a lot of people is such an encouragement and blessing. You are always in my prayers and I'm so thankful to call you friend. You bless me in so many, many ways.


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