Be Willing To Walk Alone

I saw this the other day and it struck such a chord with me. My heart has been pretty beaten up the past few years and I think part of it is because things have changed so drastically for me. In four short years, my life has been turned upside down. People have left my life, never to be heard from again. Of course, I have left other people's lives because it was better for my mental health and well-being. I think the hardest part is the family that I don't hear from any longer. Not just blood family but church family - and I don't know why.

I am in a grieving period. My heart is broken and there have been way too many things that have changed for me to cope right now. I've been coping for four years but everyone has their breaking point and I'm at mine. It's like you're dangling from a thin piece of rope one day, hanging on for dear life, and then something or someone cuts that rope and you're mentally and emotionally done. It comes down to just self care at that point - like a cat licking it's wounds. Being quiet and introspective.

Yes, I know that Jesus is with me. God tells me that in the Bible and I believe it and it allows me to keep going but, you know what?  Sometimes we need our people around us. Sometimes we need people to reach out - not out of guilt - but out of true genuine caring. We need people to put aside their own personal prides and self-interests and be a part of our life. A true part, not something done out of guilt because that's just the worst. It's even worse than the being alone.

I'm not asking for pity or for anyone to feel guilty. I'm just trying to work this all out in my mind. I also think I'm not the only one feeling this way. The world has gotten smaller and that has made us smaller. Social media makes us feel like we have friends from all over the world but are they really a part of our every day life? Our families become part of the whole online experience and there's no "day-to-day, messy, get involved in our life" parts anymore Everyone is kept at arms length because it's easier.

We can like a Facebook post or Instagram picture and feel like we're a part of other people's lives, but are we really? People ask for prayers on Facebook and we promise to pray but promptly forget after closing the app. I'm just as guilty of this as the next person so I'm not condemning anyone here. I'm just saying that it's so much easier for us to click a like and then move on these days. There's not the cards sent in the mail or the phone calls to our friends because how many of us truly have close friends anymore?  I don't. I think those with truly close friends are far and few between. 

I am so very, very thankful for my husband who stands beside me through thick and thin. These four years have been just as hard for him and he wondered several times if I was even going to live. He puts up with so much from me as my emotions are all over the place. It's all part of the healing process and also the process of coming to terms with loss. There are other family members who have been such strong forces in my life - like my son and parents - who never leave me and love me for who I am. This journey hasn't been easy for any of them either.

I hesitate to post this because it's a pretty raw, emotional post. It tells you exactly where I'm at and, these days, that's a scary thing to do. It's so much easier to post the pretty things, the positive things, whether they be true or not. I'm not depressed (for those of you who may think I am), I'm probably just more angry than anything. Yes, there is sadness over the loss of some of the people of my life, those I thought would always be there with me, but I'm determined to move forward. The biggest challenge is not to be hard-hearted and I am struggling with that, too.  How much easier not to let anyone into my life in the first place then to have them crush my heart in the end? It's a struggle!

I honestly don't know if I'll leave this post up. I think it's so important to be real but, in doing so, am I opening myself up for more heartache? I also want you to know that God is everything to me. He, alone, has worked so many miracles in my life and I never, never blame Him for what has transpired in my life. I know where the blame lies - with the evil one who stalks us. He just waits for the opportunity to crush us. I'm refusing to be crushed! With Jesus, I don't have to be crushed. I may be bruised and a little torn up but I'm not crushed. 

In sharing this, I hope that it will help someone else to know that, just because you're a Christian, bad things will and do happen. However, because we have Jesus, they don't have to destroy us. His love is always there and He is always with us. Yes, it would be so nice to have the people around us in our lives, but isn't it a comfort to know that Jesus always is in our life? Thankfully, with Him, we don't have to walk alone!

Blessings - Julie

Finished Crochet Afghan!

I finished my son's afghan! It's really big and perfect for his twin bed. I'm really happy with how it came out and it will definitely keep him warm.

I'm sorry the picture isn't really great but I'm taking the picture at 4:00 in the morning and the lighting isn't really too good. It's draped over my recliner so you can see how huge it is.

I used the Caron Cake yarn in the Cake Pop color. The pattern I used is HERE.  I did the twin bed size in case you want to do one this size, but they give you the starting chain and pattern for different sizes. 

I'm starting a new project today as a gift for someone special. I'll share pictures as I go along.

I went to the surgeon yesterday and had my staples removed! He was very pleased with my healing and I don't have to see him again. I'm so thankful that I'm doing well and that I'm on the road to getting my life back! I'm still very tired and quite sore but he said that's normal considering the type of surgery I had. It's going to take some time to feel fully recovered but I'm going to take it easy and make sure I do fully recover.

Have a wonderful Saturday!

Blessings - Julie

God's Great Orchestration! (A Very Long Post)

We know that God does amazing things every day. He has done amazing things since the beginning. He is powerful, awesome, and loves us in a way that I don't think I can ever truly comprehend. I am in more awe of Him after everything He orchestrated in my life last week.

On Wednesday, I got up tired and feeling quite low over the situation with the ileostomy. I was feeling a little hopeful because I had an appointment to see a new surgeon but really hated that I had to travel 2 hours from home to see him. The prospect of having surgery 2 hours from home was daunting, as well. It's not fun being so far from home when you're in hospital. It means your family has the burden of getting there and the prospect of friends visiting, is slim to none. Still, I felt this was my only hope or choice.

I have been having to eat early every day because if I don't, I run the risk of being up all night to empty the bag or having it leak. So, I made my main meal of baked chicken, green beans, whole wheat pasta and tomato sauce and ate by 1:00 pm. I was fine for about 30 minutes and then the pain started in my stomach. It felt very much like when I had the stomach flu and I was dreading that as it was a horrible experience with the bag. I felt so bad and was in so much pain, I decided to lie down for awhile and see if it passed. It just kept getting worse and worse. I finally called my husband and he tried to help me. I had a hard time even sitting up and trying to make it to the car seemed like an impossible task but if I had called an ambulance, it would have taken me even longer to get to the Emergency Room that is about 15 minutes from me. Finally, I just gritted my teeth and we got me out to the car and my husband got me to the Emergency Room.

I knew at this point something was horribly wrong because there wasn't much out-put in the bag (I am SO sorry to share all this disgusting stuff with you, but it's just part of the story). They got me back fairly fast and I was so distraught at this point and burst into tears.  They ordered a CT scan and had me drink that horrible preparation. When nothing from this huge drink showed up in the bag - I knew I probably had a blockage. After several hours of waiting, my suspicion was confirmed. I was so overwhelmed and anxious! What  was I going to do?

The ER doctor was so kind and caring. He mentioned a local surgeon that I had never heard of. I was so nervous about having a local surgery because my gastric doctor had made such a big deal out of me going to the big city and seeing a surgeon there. I told them I absolutely did not want them calling my original surgeon but maybe they could call the new one? He said they could but he was going to call the local surgeon that was on call first and see what he thought. He came back and said the surgeon would do the surgery and at the same time, he would want to take down the ileostomy. I was still concerned about doing the surgery locally and really was unsure. The ER doctor sat down and gave me such wise counsel. He said the new surgeon may not even consider doing it because I hadn't seen him yet but we had this local surgeon who was confident and ready to move forward. We had to move fairly quickly because having a blockage in the intestine is very dangerous. Suddenly, I knew. I would have this local surgeon do it! My sweet nurse said that I made a great decision and that if she or anyone in her family had to have surgery, they would go to this surgeon. That made me feel a lot better. They said that they would need to get the medical records from the original surgeon before they could proceed but I had them myself! Because I was going to see the new surgeon, I had them at home and my husband was able to go home and get them!

So, I was admitted to the hospital but the first thing they had to do was put a tube through my nose and down my throat into my stomach. Yes, I was completely awake for this lovely procedure. It had to be done, though, because they wanted to try and remove as much as possible before the surgery. My husband stayed with me in my room (this hospital is so beautiful and they have beds built in for family to stay in the room) and my son was able to come see me after he got off work. What a blessing!

The next morning I was so sick! I had a barf-bag in my hand at all times. The surgeon wanted them to do a test to see how my colon looked before the surgery. Not a pleasant procedure. I was so sick, I ended up throwing up all in my hair. The technician was so kind and took me into the bathroom and washed out my hair as good as she could then gave me one of her own scrunchies and pulled my hair back from my face so I wouldn't have that disgusting mess near my face. Such kindness!

Finally, I saw the surgeon and I was impressed with him immediately. One of the first things he said as he went through the original surgeon's notes was what a mess they were. He said in one area she states that I have an ileostomy (which I do) but then calls it an colostomy, which is something entirely different. He said they were hard to understand and he was clearly not impressed at all. He said that he was going to remove the blockage, fix the hernia, and take down the ileostomy. NO MORE BAG!!

Surgery went well and he said he would keep me at least 7 days in the hospital. That was fine by me! The hardest part of this whole thing was the tube down my throat because they didn't remove it until Saturday and my throat is still sore, but it's a small price to pay. He was so happy with how I was doing, he let me go home on Easter Sunday - 3 days after surgery!

This whole thing was so orchestrated by God! If I hadn't gotten the blockage, I would have never known about this wonderful surgeon right here in my own town. I would still be going around with a ileostomy bag and feeling miserable. The fact that I had the doctor's records was also so great because I'm telling you, had she talked to this surgeon on the phone, she would have said something to put him off doing it. My husband was able to stay with me in my private room and my son came to the hospital every day. This would have been impossible had I gone elsewhere.

I am so, so thankful! I can't tell you how happy I am! I thank God all the time for this miracle He performed in my life that has blessed me so very much. I have a drain on the wound, but that's no big deal, either. For one thing, this surgeon placed it where I can bandage it myself after taking my shower. What a concept! I will see him on Friday and he may remove the drain at that time but, even if he doesn't, I don't care. I am so relieved to have that horrible ileostomy gone!

My parents sent me flowers to the room and here's a picture of me with them

Aren't they gorgeous? Don't you love those little chicks in there for Easter? They also sent me this gorgeous Easter Lily!

My precious Mitzi was so devastated that I was gone from  home for so many days. When I got here, her little eyes were stained from tears. Poor little thing. She's been by my side every moment of the day since I've been home. I missed her as much as she missed me!

I am so thankful to God for all He has done! To be completely finished with the bag and be able to move forward with my life is such a relief and it has lifted a dark cloud for me. He orchestrated everything perfectly and, what seemed like a horrible thing happening to me on Wednesday, was God's way of blessing me on Thursday and forever. He opened all the right doors and made everything work out in the perfect way that only He can!

Blessings - Julie

My Latest Update

I wanted to write this update a few days ago but have a sinus infection and it has laid me low. It seems likes it's finally getting beaten back by the antibiotics that my doctor prescribed me. The worst part has been the cough I've gotten again. This too shall pass...

As I shared with you before, I have lost complete confidence in my surgeon and am afraid that she will not do the right thing by reconstructing my colon but will take the easy way out and just leave me with an ostomy. If she does anything permanent, I'm out of options. So with that concern in mind, I made an appointment with my gastro doctor and hoped that he would help me. I was a bit nervous about going to him about this since he referred me to this surgeon in the first place. Would he take it personal? So, just in case, when I went to my primary care doctor about my sinus infection, I asked her if she would help me. I got a resounding yes! That made me feel much better to know that I had her as a back up in case.

I went to see my gastro doctor the next day and he couldn't have been nicer! Phew! He agreed with me that what she has done is not acceptable and he could understand why I had the fears of going forward with her. I explained everything from her leaving the bar across the stoma to her sending me home with no nursing. On and on I shared all the things that have been scary and unacceptable. He was so compassionate and agreed that I need another surgeon. I asked him about our local surgeon that has done two other surgeries for me, but he said he didn't want to do that. This local surgeon is a general surgeon and he feels I need a specialist surgeon who only deals with the gastro stuff. I know he's right but it would have been so nice to have had the surgery here instead of 2 hours away in the big city. It's hard on my family to travel and, of course, no friends visit, but it should only be for a few days, so I'll survive. 😉

Anyway, he told me the best surgeon is a doctor with the Mayo Clinic but he didn't think they took my insurance but told me to check it out if I want. I did and, at first, I was quite excited because the website said that they did indeed take my insurance. However, I have learned never to go just by that and I called them and they don't take it anymore. She said, "We need to update the website". I was like, yeah. 😑 I was a bit down about that but then looked up the surgeon he is going to refer me to and he has such a good reputation and so many patients have given him 5 stars, I felt so much better. He's considered one of the very best in my state, so that's very reassuring! I have hope again and that's huge because I was literally in tears last week with my nurse telling her how really scared I am of this surgeon I have now. My one nurse has been really upset with my surgeon for a couple months and has been questioning a lot of things she has done to me. She was really glad to hear that I'm going to be going to be getting referred to someone new.

I want to thank all those that reached out to me and prayed for me regarding all this. That was, and is, such a comfort to me. If you would continue to pray that this surgeon is excellent and that it will all work out. I'm praying that I get put back together and can put this whole ostomy episode behind me!

It's been five months since the initial surgery and this ileostomy was only only supposed to be a 3 month ordeal. Who knows how long my current surgeon would have waited until she had done the reconstruction or if she even would have done a good job? I shudder thinking about it....

I'm sorry for such a long post, but wanted to share with you about what's happening as so many have asked what I found out. I am so grateful for your friendship and concern!

I'll see you tomorrow for the Counting Our Blessings Linkup ~ Julie

My Health Update

I'll be honest. This situation I'm dealing with right now after my initial surgery is wearing me thin. Just as an update, and for those who haven't been following what's going on with me, I had surgery at the end of September 2017 for my diverticulitis. During my initial consultation, this surgeon assured me that she would go in, cut the bad colon out, then stitch me back up and I would go home the next day. Easy peasy, right? Wrong.

When I woke up from the surgery, I had an ileostomy bag...huge shock! ...this was never even discussed! The ostomy is placed so low on my abdomen, I can't see it to change my own bag! You can go back HERE and HERE to read more about the aftermath of all this, if you're so inclined.

I had my colonoscopy last week to determine if I could go ahead with my reversal surgery, that was even going to be moved up to January 9th. I was so excited to think I would get this surgery over and done with at the first of the year rather than in February. Well, as with this whole situation, I won't be doing the surgery anytime soon. My colon tissue is so fragile, she cannot do the reversal at this time. I tried to find out when she thought I could do the reversal, but she's very non-committal.

She did talk about better nutrition and I will be working on that. I was warned off so many things at the beginning of this - like vitamins and fresh fruits and vegetables. With more research, I'm finding out that this was only for the first few weeks. So, I will be adding more good fresh foods to my diet and taking my vitamins again.

Frankly, this is just an example of the little to no information I've had from this doctor. She has also continually changed what will happen with all this. The surgery didn't go as she said, the bag has already been on for way longer than 3 months, and she's changed other conditions to the reversal now. It's disheartening.

However...this Scripture I posted above,

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; 

He will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. - Deuteronomy 31:8

gives me hope and a measure of peace. I know that God goes before me on this. He is not surprised by all this or shocked. I may be but He isn't. So, I will put my trust in Him and know that He is working everything out for my good. He is with me every step of the way through this. I will not be afraid or discouraged - or I'll try not to be! 😉

I am asking for prayers regarding this. First and foremost that I wouldn't be discouraged. Second, for the healing of my colon and that I would get healthier day by day. Thank you so much!

I also want you to know that I will pray for you! If you have a special prayer request, please feel free to comment here or email me (you can find my contact tab at the top of the page). I know sometimes it feels more comfortable to email and keep things private, so please do if you need prayer.

Thank you for being with me on this journey and for caring! I have gotten so much encouragement and prayer - I feel thankful that I can ask for more. 😌

Blessings - Julie

Health Update

It's time for a long over-due update from me. This has been a season of growth for me as I deal with something I never had imagined having to deal with. It has stretched me in a lot of ways and I've had to fight the immature desire to feel bitter and to have a pity party. I keep telling myself that this is not forever and that there are others that have it much worse. Sometimes, I just don't want to even hear myself saying this, even though they are true. Isn't it just so human to feel sorry for ourselves and think "why me"? Ha!

So on to my news. My skin finally healed enough that the bags are staying on and the nurse figured out, with the help of the company who makes these things, what would work for me. It's down to a routine now with the bag staying put for the most part. I still have an "oops" once in a while - with a bag leaking or just coming loose - but this is happening less and less. I am so thankful for this as dealing with the leaking was just so bad. It's gross enough (for me, anyway) to deal with this bag when it works, let alone when it doesn't.

I do have a surgery date to reverse all this and put everything back together. Right now it's set for February 13th....FEBRUARY 13TH!!! This was supposed to be a 3 month thing which means I should be having the surgery this month but, evidently, this surgeon does not plan for these things and she is so busy that this was the soonest date I could get. I was quite upset. I have called and called and now we are looking at moving my surgery to January 23rd. This is not set yet so I would so appreciate your prayers that this surgery would get moved up. Even sooner than January 23rd would be great but even the 23rd is better than 3 weeks later on the 13th!

I have been doing some stitching, crocheting and painting and will share about that on my next post. Thank you so much for being so faithful to check on me during all this and I'm so grateful for your prayers and friendship!

Blessings - Julie

Update on Me...

It has been a struggle, dear friends. I have been through the most embarrassing situations with this ileostomy. It has humbled me and brought me lower than even my leg surgery did three years ago.

To be frank, I am dealing with poo. I had a post across my ostomy that should have been removed before I left the hospital, but wasn't, because of a lack of communication. This caused such a problem because the ostomy bag couldn't be put on properly. This in turn, damaged my skin to the point of blisters. You can't get anything to stick to blisters. The post was finally taken off and we all thought it would get better but we were wrong. The skin was too damaged.

So the last month has been spent at the ER, getting the bag replaced or waiting for my home nurses to come. I can't see the stoma because the doctor placed it too low. I have to have help and will need to until this ordeal is over. I have had some of my skin get better and I've actually had a couple of the bags stay on for 24 hours. However, they are supposed to stay on for 3 days so you can see that I'm still not where I need to be.

I do not want this post to be about all the negative. I have had quite a few pity parties and shed so many tears. However, I have never been alone. God has shown Himself to me in so many ways. In the kindness of the nurses at the ER and there were two doctors that were especially kind and understanding. I have a wonderful home care nurse that comes to help me when the bag falls off at night and that has been a true blessing.

My husband has been a loving caregiver, despite the fact that we are dealing with poo. Our washer is going constantly, it seems, and he has taken matters into his hands as far as my care. He has gone without sleep (which worries me) and always been kind. My son has been the same. He has helped on the days his dad just can't take another step and helped in ways that we are unable to do. He is very busy himself working nights, but he makes time out of his schedule to come and check on me and see how he's needed. I am blessed.

This surgery will be reversed (thank you, Jesus!) and for that I am thankful, too. When it's all over, I'm praying I am healthier and that things work perfectly for me.

I don't have any news really. I spend my days in my recliner hoping the bag doesn't leak or fall off. I am hoping soon I can get up and go about my days again without worrying about it, but for now, this is where I'm at. I'm not feeling especially well because I'm afraid to eat for fear the bag will come off. It's a hard road I'm on, however, this isn't forever and God has never left my side.

I apologize for talking about such a gross subject. I just wanted you to know what's happening with me and to ask you to pray for me. I would especially love prayer for strength and peace... and of course, for the bag to stay on a full three days would be a huge blessing. Also, please pray for my husband who is exhausted. It's not easy being a caregiver and it can just wear you out. Thank you!

Blessings to you all - Julie

Grace and Perseverance

Sometimes, life gives you a little more difficulty than you expected. This is one of those times for me.    

I had surgery for my diverticulitis on September 26th. What I had expected (and told) would be a very simple operation, wasn't. My colon was so diseased and horrid, she had to do an ileostomy that I will have for three months. My hospital stay was longer than expected and I've been to the ER three times since coming home. I've been quite sick (although improving each day) and haven't been able to take care of business here on the blog.

I have two giveaways to choose winners from and some books reviews. I haven't forgotten! I am asking for some grace to feel a little better before getting back to business.

Thank you so much and I would really appreciate your prayers.

Blessings - Julie

Faith Journaling and Other Things

I have started my new online Bible study, ENTRUSTED, by Beth Moore and all I can say is it's amazing! We are on day four and I'm amazed at how much I've already learned. Beth has changed her studies in that you have 5 levels of study to choose from. If you're a busy woman, you can chose level one. If you have more time to devote to study, you can choose one of the higher levels. It's a wonderful way to study without guilt!

I was watching a wonderful video by The Reset Girl on how she takes notes as she watches Bible teachers like Charles Stanley. I was so inspired! I decided to start doing the same thing and started with my note taking on Session One of my Entrusted study. Here's a picture of my notes:

I had so much fun with this and it truly did deepen my listening abilities to the teaching. As I did my notes, I would stop or even rewind to listen again for my note taking. I used Christian stickers and Illustrated Faith washi tape on this page, as well as just fun little shin stickers. I enjoyed this so much and intend on doing this for all my note taking! Like Cori (The Reset Girl), I like to listen to Charles Stanley. Some other favorite teachers of mine are John MacArthur, Tony Evans, and David Jeremiah.

Here's a link to the video if you would like to see her process for yourself.

It's finally Fall here! I'm so glad. I don't care for the heat and it's so nice to have crisp, airy nights to sleep by. I sleep so much better when it gets cooler and the air conditioning is off. Clean outside air is always more appealing to me!

I'm going to be having a small surgery next week. I had a biopsy done on a mole that has given me problems for over 40 years. When I was little, my guinea pig scratched the mole off and ever since, it's itched and looked odd. I'm so glad I finally got into my dermatologist to get this truly looked at. I'm not real concerned about this but will be glad when it's over.

I hope you're doing good, dear friends!

Blessings - Julie

31 Days of Hope - October 10

I hope you'll bear with me as I play catch-up on my 31 days of Hope writings. I really wanted to commit to writing every day, but life gets in the way sometimes.

I've been clinging to HOPE on a daily basis for a long time now. When I speak of HOPE, I'm really speaking of the Lord because all my HOPE is in the Lord! He is so worthy of my faith and HOPE!

Like you, I've been through a lot of hard things in my life. Some of the worst have revolved around health issues including cancer and this last surgery that didn't go too well. When we're going through these things, it's difficult to have HOPE, but HOPE we must have!

Surviving these things with our mental and spiritual faculties in tact is so important. I'm not saying I didn't have some issues. After this last surgery, I started having panic attacks and they would come at me early in the morning like a wave. It was, I believe, an attack from the enemy who didn't want me to have HOPE in the Lord and wanted me to be lost in despair. That horrid satan likes nothing better than to keep God's children in the dumps. Anyway, had I not had HOPE and faith in the Lord, I wonder how much worse my attacks would have been? Would I have come out of it with all kinds of problems emotionally? Thankfully, I don't have to even go there.

There was a Scripture that I would meditate on when I was going through everything. Even now, I meditate on this when I'm having a difficult day and the pain is bad or I can't walk because my leg is too swollen or painful.

 

He will cover you with His feathers;

you will take refuge under His wings.

His faithfulness will be a protective shield.

Psalm 91:4

I picture myself tucked under the Lord's wings - protected and safe - knowing that He is protecting me. Such a comforting thought!

Is it any wonder that my HOPE is in the Lord? He has been so faithful to take care of me!

Blessings - Julie

The Long, Winding Road

Time teaches us so much. I look back over the last year and a half and I see the winding road that the Lord took me on and I see how much He taught me. So many hard times where I couldn't even imagine the end coming out well. Caught in the middle of my...for lack of a better word...ordeal, I looked to just get through the day and nothing else. It was too hard to hope for a happy ending. Just an end, that's all. I knew if I didn't live through it, that I would be with Jesus and that was fine with me. If I did live through it, would I live any kind of normal life? I had no idea and my mind couldn't go there.

Now it's been eight months since my last surgery and my wounds are closed and I haven't had another infection. Do I still react if I feel sick? Oh, yes. It will take even more time before I can feel comfortable in my skin again. I'm not the me that I started this whole thing out with. I'm different. Some of it is better different and some of it is worse.

The worst parts are not really trusting people any more. I had problems with care givers and I got forgotten by those I thought would not forget me. I hurt a long time over the latter part. It's funny how you think you know what people will do when a tragedy strikes, but you don't really know. You just hope. Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed. Was part of it my fault? Possibly, but I'm not sure in what way. I've thought and thought and can't figure out how I would have pushed anyone away. If I did, it was unintentional and certainly not what I wanted to do. I think tragedy and the ordeals that some of us go through are just too much for the average person. Even those in leadership at our churches are not really equipped mentally for the long haul that some of us go through. They want to put out the initial fire and then move on. If there's still embers burning, well, you'll just have to deal with those yourself. I'm not here to bash the church or my brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm just sharing my own unique experiences and my own feelings about it. I may never fully understand but I hope that I can grow and learn from my situation and maybe help those of you who are going through an ordeal to know that you are not alone.

I'm still dealing with the after affects of what was done to me in the operating room and all the problems stemming from that. I live with daily pain and a leg that is worse now than when I went in for the surgery. However, I try to take each day one at a time and focus on what God would have me do each day. I am very thankful for you, dear readers, as you've gone through this whole thing with me. You've read my posts on the good days and on the bad days and you've not thought worse of me for those bad days. I am so thankful for the prayers and the good thoughts! I hope you all know how dear you are to me and how much you mean to me!

Many blessings - Julie

Another Surgery

I had another surgery on December 11th. This surgery was to close up the wound in my calf, however, the surgeon also closed up the wound on my knee. I'm on bed rest/recliner rest with my legs always above my heart. I'm totally exhausted and in so much pain! I didn't have this kind of pain after the other surgeries, so I'm pretty miserable. I am praying that this surgery will work, that my leg will finally fuse together and that I will have no more open wounds after this.

I would so appreciate your prayers regarding all this. Thank you, dear friends, and I will be back when I feel better to give you more information and update what's happening with  me.

Blessings - Julie

Sunday Thoughts

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

I read this Scripture this week and knew that God has led me to this Scripture. What could be more perfect for me? It's been a heart breaking year and my wounds are still trying to heal. Isn't it wonderful how God is so specific to our needs? This Scripture has given me great hope and I'm clinging to it minute by minute! 

I went to the vascular place last week to get measured for these new compression stockings that have velcro straps so I can adjust them and not put too much pressure on the bypass in my leg. Normally, after knee surgery, you wear compression stockings to help with the swelling and all that, but because I had to have an emergency by-pass in my leg when the surgeon cut the artery in my leg, I have had to do things a lot different. I am hoping that these stockings will work and help my legs. My right leg swells so much, it hurts! Praying this will be an answer to this problem and that it will work okay with the bypass.

I was so thrilled to see my Christmas cactus in bloom! My goodness - it's loaded with blooms! This is one of my very favorite plants. In fact, I want to get at least another one this year for my home. I've told hubby to look for a couple - one with red blooms and one with white. That way I'll have all the different colored blooms. They love the sky lights in my house and just thrive. Here's a picture of my beautiful plant!

This plant was probably half this size last year. It's just grown so much! Isn't it gorgeous?

Miss Mitzi had her last shot last week! She was one happy little girl, let me tell you! It was really cold the day she had to go, so I put her little pink sweater on her.

Look at that sweet little girl! She's such a dolly! She is now sitting on command and I'm teaching her to sit up after seeing her do it when it was treat time. She's so smart! She has brought such great joy to my life!

On this Sunday, I thank God for all He has done for me this year. He has truly had His hand on me and I'm thankful to Him! I know He will see me through to the end - bind my wounds and bring healing to my life. I pray your Sunday is blessed and that you spend quiet time with the One who  loves you!

Blessings - Julie

Why I Do What I Do

It's been seven months since this whole thing started. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would still be trying to heal after this operation. I never dreamed that I would have a total of four surgeries in five months or that I would be giving myself IVs or have this crazy contraption of a wound vac on my leg for months. I may have never imagined this, but God knew from the beginning that this would happen. This passed through His hands before it ever came to me. 

I finished my last IV today and am so thankful! It's been three long weeks of five IVs a day, being tired and feeling ill. I'm very thankful to my vascular surgeon and my infectious disease doctor for keeping such a close watch on me and doing what needs to be done. I'm also so thankful to God who continues to take care of me and orchestrates things so I get the best care possible.

"What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" - Psalms 8:4

I think of this Scripture each time I think of this journey I've been on. Who am I that God is mindful of me? Yes, this has been a difficult situation, but it could have been so much worse! God has truly had His hand over me and all that has happened, protecting me despite what men do to me. I had a situation recently that seemed really bad as far as my healthcare, however, it was evident to me that God had put this situation in place to move me to a better place. 

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good. - Genesis 50:20a

This truly was a situation like this, but God truly worked it out for my good. I can only sit in awe and realize I can never praise Him enough or thank Him enough...but I'm certainly going to try!

It's not always easy for me to have faith but I can ask God to give me more faith and He does! He will for you, too. All you have to do is ask Him. I know this sounds so simplistic, but I think sometimes we make our faith and our relationship with Jesus much more complicated than it needs to be. I also want to always encourage you when you come here. That is my main calling and if I don't encourage you, I would feel such sorrow. I pray that the Lord's promises and love always shine through all I share. He is why I write and do what I do. For me, there is no other purpose.

Many blessings to you, my dear friends!

Julie

A Bit Of A Vent

This has been a tough day. Just to warn you, this will be a bit of a venting post. I am sharing the picture of the Yorkie because I'm really missing my Holly. I've really tried to be brave about losing her, but today, the tears flow because I miss my little friend. I haven't had time to really grieve because I've been dealing with so much but today it's really hit me.

I have had a horrible headache for two days because of the IV meds I'm on and add to that only 5-6 hours of sleep a night, and you have a basket case. Then add to that the fact that my home visiting nurse that is doing my wound vac really doesn't know what she's doing and I'm really a basket case.

She has done it twice and both times, there has been a problem. I called them last night to tell them that it wasn't doing anything. It's on and it's making noise, but there is nothing going into the canister, which is unheard of. I never heard back from the nurse! I had to call her again this afternoon and she's getting my nurse to come out here. I was quite annoyed that she never bothered to call me back and then acted like I was bothering her. I don't call unless there's an issue and I wouldn't be having an issue if the nurse knew what she was doing. She's very nice, but I don't think she has ever done a wound vac before. When she removed it on Friday, I had a black and blue ring completely around the wound which is something I've never had. I shudder to think what it's going to look like today when she removes it. I have had so many problems with this wound and just had surgery on it 2 weeks ago. I don't need someone to screw it all up!  (See, I told you I was going to vent!)

I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I hardly ever have this but when I do, it hits me with full force. If you think of it, please say a prayer for me - I could sure use it!

Blessings - Julie

I'm Home Again

I am home from the hospital - which is such a nice thing! I got released late Monday night and this week has just been overwhelming with nurse visits and doctor visits. I'm so tired!

I have several infections and so they sent me home with a picc line and I'm having to give myself push meds and IV's through the line. It's all a new experience! My youngest son has really helped me and he learned to do the IV's, too, just in case I'm too tired or unable to do everything myself. So far, I'm doing good with it and I always believe in taking personal responsibility for caring for myself as much as possible. I can't do a whole lot, so what I can do, I do. So far, I'll be doing this for two weeks but it really depends on what my blood work shows. 

I'm still on the wound vac and even though the wound is larger now because of the amount of dead tissue and infection the doctor had to remove, it looks better and healthier. I'm so very thankful that I got this surgery done as I truly wonder if this infection would have eventually just taken over my body and I would have had all kinds of horrible problems.

I don't have a lot of news other than health news right now. I haven't been up to doing much but read and study my Bible. However, I would rather study my Bible and read than anything else anyway so it's all good. I'm hoping this weekend I'll be able to catch up on my rest because I won't have to go anywhere or have any nursing visits. I haven't been able to sleep in since I've been home so I've been running on about 5-6 hours of sleep. Not enough, my friends! lol

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and happy Father's Day to all those dads out there!

Blessings - Julie

Surgery

Dear Friends,

I went to see my wonderful doctor today that created the bypass in my leg and, in my opinion, saved my life, about the abscess that they saw during an ultra sound last week. He did another ultra sound himself and said that I had a long pocket of fluid that is right up against the bypass and that he was concerned that it could wrap around the bypass and cut the blood flow off. He was also concerned that the tissue under those wounds is not healthy and needs to be removed. 

So, I am writing you this from my hospital bed and am scheduled to have surgery at 7:00 am (about 5 hours from now). I am at peace about all this as I know I have one of the best surgeons in this country and he knows what he's doing. Not only that, I'm hopeful that with this surgery, my leg will finally be given the help it needs to heal. 

Please keep me in your prayers...for my doctors wisdom, steady hands, for protection of my bypass and for comfort for my family and friends as they are naturally worried about this. Also, please pray that I would glorify God I all I do and that I would shine His light here at the hospital and always. 

I am praising Him because He truly has had his hand on me and this is really His doing - getting me back to my vascular surgeon again and getting the help I need for healing. I am praising God for his healing hand on me and for His peace that surpasses all understanding. Glory to God!

Blessings - Julie