Sunday, May 1, 2011

Real Feelings about Pain

It's been a painful day. I have been having more pain, different pain, and it's definitely chipping away at my resolve. I am not always able to think happy thoughts...I am not always able to put on a happy face. I am only hanging on by my fingernails at this point because I'm thinking fearful thoughts.  I'm thinking of all I've lost through this injury and this painful journey. Yes, I'm having a bit of a pity party today and allow me that. I have not lost my faith that God is working through this, but I am grieving the things I've lost through this injury.  I'm also angry because I'm tired of hurting, tired of sitting in a recliner and sleeping in a recliner, tired of not being able to go out unless I have to. I need to go to the store to pick out a Mother's Day card and get a couple things that only I know how to pick out and I'm leery of whether I'm really going to be able to go to the store just to do that.  I will also have to have someone go with me just in case I need them because, frankly, I'm scared to go alone. If I do, I will have to go at night, when the store is nearly empty and there will be plenty of carts to ride. I can't go when there are a lot of people because if I stop and start too fast it just kills my back.

Let me share a pet peeve here, if I may.  When I'm driving one of those carts through the store, I'm amazed at how most people chose to ignore you or simply do not see you because you aren't on their eye level.  I've had people walk right in front of me like I don't exist. I've had people completely ignore me when I need to get through an area.  Now if I had a regular cart and was walking on two legs, this wouldn't never happened when I was walking with my legs with a regular cart.  I was never treated as a non-person, but now I have it happen all the time.  I am so aware now of other people that are in wheel chairs or in carts.  They are not non-people!  It's so important that we are aware of those who are not at our eye-level!!

I just need prayer...prayer from myself for myself.  Prayer from my family.  Prayer from my friends.  Prayer works and just knowing that I'm being prayed for gives me hope.  It's all about my favorite Scripture, Romans 5:1-5 - Perseverance to Character to Hope.  I do have hope - if I didn't I'd just give up.  I'm just feeling some real feelings today due to my pain but I know that the Lord understands.  Jesus certainly went through pain and He knows how it is and I know He doesn't think less of me because of my sadness regarding it.  I know that I will feel better mentally again....just not tonight.

God bless you - Julie

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