This Is My Truth

This is a warning:  I'm going to be frank and honest in this post and if you can't handle it, read no further. 

I'm in horrific pain again. I'm rather down. I'm on the verge of tears every waking moment and many times during the day the tears fall. I spend time alone because I can't bear to "put on a good front". I'm alone in my pain and I'm tired of it being my companion. It tortures me in body and thought. To relieve the pain, I take pain medication. The medication makes me lose my memory. I repeat myself over and over again. My family is kind about it but I can tell it worries them.  It worries me.  Is this memory loss going to be permanent? Will I ever be able to get off the pain meds enough to function normally again?

I don't talk on the phone if I can help it.  It's too difficult to carry on a conversation with this pain. Yes, I love hearing from my family and friends, but it's too hard right now to even talk on the phone. This isolates me even more. I feel forgotten at times. Who wants to hear about my pain over and over again? I do nothing of significance so I have nothing much to talk about but my pain. I know I have lost blog readers, too, because I have talked of nothing else but my pain for the past (almost) year. I'm sure I'll lose blog readers after this post, too. 

I feel abandoned by God. I know intellectually that He is working in me through this. I tell myself this all the time but I have to be honest. I feel He has abandoned me.  I've lost so much in the past year. The pain keeps me from doing so many of the things I love like attending church, being at my prayer meetings and jail ministry meetings, Bible studies, having coffee with my friends, working at the church office, painting, quilting, and the list goes on and on and grows with each passing day that the pain gets worse. I can't even go out to my studio now because sitting anywhere but my recliner is just impossible. I feel like I'm in the shadows and somehow God can't see me.  He doesn't see how much pain I'm in, He doesn't remember I'm here. 

I'm in the shadows for a lot of people, really.  Yes, I have a few faithful friends who text me and check in on me (and I apologize to you when I don't always text back...I just can't at the time), who email me and say "How are you" (I apologize for not always writing back right away), for my family members who send me cards of encouragement (thanks, Sis!), and for my family who has to live with this day by day in this house.  They haven't ever made me feel like I'm a burden and I'm very thankful for that. However, I have lost a lot of friends through this, too.  It happened to me just yesterday that someone I thought was a good friend told me that they felt I was pushing them away because of my health issues and they have been giving me the cold shoulder for the past few weeks. I guess they didn't realize that I don't mean to push anyone away...I'm just not always capable of reaching out the way I should and the drugs definitely make me foggy minded and not always myself. Pushing anyone away? No! I need friends more than ever now. Since this person is such a good friend, like-minded in so many ways, I was shocked that I was being dropped like a hot potato in my time of need. I cried my heart out last night over the fact that this person wasn't more compassionate and in-tune with what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just asking too much.

I've also lost my drive. Many days I just sit and crochet or read or watch TV or play my online game because I don't have the energy to do anything else. I want to write, I have so many things I want to do but the motivation isn't there anymore.  I ask myself, "What's the point"?  I exist. I breathe. That's about it. Even my blog has suffered because I have nothing to say but what I'm saying now. Again, no one wants to hear the truth...they can't handle the truth. It's depressing. Welcome to my world.

I've been trying to read the self-help books about changing my thinking but I don't get very far. I try and write down my goals and work on things during this time but, again, I don't get very far. I've given up on my dreams. It hurts too much to dream.

I don't look to this ending like I used to.  I thought I would be back doing all my things at church by this time. I thought I would be healed enough to live again, but instead, I've had what my doctor calls a "flare up" and I live with excruciating pain again.  The kind of pain that brings me to my knees and has me sobbing uncontrollably.  The kind of pain that makes me want to hide in my bedroom with the door shut because I don't want anyone to see the kind of pain I'm really in. 

I do pray that the Lord will heal me, but honestly, I've rather given up on this. I'm 49 years old and some days I feel like my life as I knew it is over. I'm old now. Pain makes you old quickly.  I look in the mirror and I don't know the face staring back at me.  It's a pale face with dark circles under the eyes. You can see the pain etched in my face.

This is my truth...this is what I live with.

Julie