Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Getting Hit In The Heart

Sometimes our past is never far away. It can creep it's ugly head up at the most inopportune times. Things will be going along, and then, *WHAM*, you get hit in the heart with things that you thought you were past.

This happened to me recently - on Christmas day of all things - when I received a letter from a relative. I got this letter that day because my hubby ran to the post office and picked up our mail. I should have known by the bulk of the letter not to open it that day - maybe never - but you know how it is...curiousity killed the cat. This person wrote a letter filled with self-pity and venom, never a good combination.

When I'm talking about the past here, I'm talking about our childhood and/or young adult years. I'm not talking about something we did wrong in the past, I'm talking about past hurts and, sometimes, abuse against us by others. It can make us feel like we're ten years old again and completely alone - even when we're in our 50's.

 As a child, I was always compared to my sibling (as was she, to me), was ridiculed, made to feel stupid, discouraged from persuing my dreams, and even told I was unloved. I wore a shell of hardened steel on the outside, but inside, I was crushed. Remember that feeling when you were little when you thought your heart would implode from the pain of being hurt? I remember that feeling well.

I had dreams that were put on the shelf. I didn't get to continue my education even though I would have liked to have. I probably could have done it, actually, but was so self-concious and scared, I didn't know how to go about it and was too frightened to try. There's a lot of twists and turns to all this, but suffice to say, with the help of God, I've come a long way.

That's not to say that I'm completely healed of all this. I am probably 90 percent healed but there's still that 10 percent that reverts right back to that insecure, scared child. When this happens, it can be like getting hit in the heart again and the hardened shell comes up around because if it doesn't, the heart truly may explode.

This letter I received brought all that up in a major way. At the time of reading it, I just shrugged it off as when I first read or hear the hurtful words, it doesn't penetrate. It's only the next day or even the next, that the words sink in and start to destroy. They destroy self-worth, good thoughts, and peace; in their place, you're left with self-loathing, bad thoughts and inner turmoil. Satan loves all these things and uses them mightly against us. Soon, we're reveling in these feelings and believing his lies.

So how do we get out of this pit of despair? I'm going to share how I do it and what has worked for me. I will share about this next time.

God bless you - Julie


  1. Mine didn't happen as a child, but as an adult almost 6 years ago. It broke our family apart from my husband's family. When I see one of them or hear from them, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach each and every time.

    I think the best thing that you could have done with the letter is throw it in the fire or let your husband read it first and tell you whether you need to read it. Let him help protect you. :)

    I'm so sorry that you had to read that on Christmas Day. :(

  2. Our lives were so similar goodness gracious girl...I'm just in awe...everything you wrote I am thinkin..'Lord, our lives were the same'...What's been happening to me since August is what I call purging...mine wasn't a letter but a comment my dad said in August that sent me back to my childhood and well let's say extremely painful, so healing. 'getting healthy hurts'...this letter could be the 'the worst thing to happen becoming the best thing'...I've cried more these last 4 months than I have ever cried in my entire life and you know what? Praise God. I have held those tears in my entire life...which stems from childhood having to shove down all that 'junk', all those times it is still difficult to deal with, but with Christ, He gives me the strength that I need to do all things. Love you girl. ((hugs)) Seems once again, we are on the same journey....


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