Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Fighting the Circled Wagons

I wish I could explain to people how I feel without them either thinking that I've lost my faith (which I never would, by the way) or that I'm over-reacting or that I shouldn't have any down thoughts "if I'm truly a Christian". Where do people get these ideas? For goodness sake, when Jesus was here on this earth, he wept, he had times of needing to be alone and get away from others, he was afraid when it was the time for him to sacrifice himself for our sins. In other words, he was fully human as well as being fully God. 

Today was a tough day for me. I went back to the doctor that I have thought so highly of for so many years and he basically circled the wagons around this surgeon. He told me that he was a good doctor even after not understanding why he didn't do a culture on the wounds or an X-ray on the knee to make sure the infection hadn't gone into the knee joint, or why he hadn't called me to set up an appointment after he called his office yesterday and they assured him they would be calling me yesterday afternoon to do just that. In fact, he didn't even pull off the bandages to see what the wounds looked like today. He looked at the color of my leg and felt the temperature and that was it. He then called the surgeons office again where he made an appointment for 7:40 in the morning...7:40 In the morning!! Now, you all know I'm not a morning person, but what choice did I have? I left there feeling like this was all somehow my fault when none of it is my fault at all. I also felt that I had another doctor washing his hands of the whole thing because he didn't want to get involved in this huge mess this surgeon created.

I have been so diligent about taking care of my wounds. I have done exactly what they have told me to do to the letter. In fact, it's because of following the surgeons office directions that I believe caused this infection. I saw a PA on one appointment because the doctor was out sick and she told me to clean the incisions 3 times per day with hydrogen peroxide and then bandage them. That's when all this infection started. I have since found out that peroxide not only kills the bad cells but the good cells as well that are trying to heal the wound. I have never liked peroxide and this convinces me that I was right once again! 

Today marks two months since my botched knee surgery and then my bypass because he cut the artery. By this time, my wounds should have been healed...but no...I'm still fighting infection and praying for healing. 

So, if I seem down right now,it's because I am. If I am truly disappointed in how all this has been handled, it's because I am. If I can't put my big girl panties on right now and "get past it", that's just too bad. I feel what I feel right now and right now I'm feeling rather frightened, alone, and at the mercy of the circled wagons. 

My saving grace is just that...the fact that I know Jesus, my Savior, is with me. He is my lifeline. My only lifeline and I'm so thankful for Him. He understands that it's okay that I'm having these feelings because He knows that my eyes are always on Him and my heart belongs to Him. I also want to make clear that I do have amazing, wonderful friends that are praying for me and not judging me but have understanding concerns for me. It can sometimes be just one person that makes you feel devastated. The fact that this Christian doctor I've known for so long would not be honest with me about the fact that this surgeon has handled this really poorly, devastated me, too. 

I'm truly sorry if thus post is a rambling mess, but it had to get this all out. Tomorrow is a new day and I know I'll feel better again. 

Blessings - Julie


  1. My dear friend, bless you. I appreciate your honest heart here. You have every right to feel the feelings that you are feeling. You are human, not a robot. You are real, and are experiencing real pain. This is not right, they are giving you the run around. Please know, I love you, and keep you in my prayers.

  2. You are right in your feelings...I know exactly how you feel, I had really, really bad OB doctors when I was pregnant with my twins. This group is the reason that I HATE going to doctors period. I'm praying for your Julie, I truly am. God will see you through this. What you are going through may not seem like a good thing, but there is a reason and God in his perfect wisdom will reveal that to you at some point. My favorite verse: Ecc 3: To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. I remind myself of this verse when I struggle. In the meantime, you are right, Jesus was fully human and fully God, He struggled too....and asked for this cup to pass him.... you are not wrong in your feelings. I am praying for the bitterness to pass, and for God's healing!

  3. Oh Julie! I am disappointed in your doctor too. Those doctors stick together. I have experienced that kind of thing myself. They must be so "careful" of what is said. Keep praying, I will too. Keep on top of those doctors. Be bold, you have to be.

  4. I hope all went well today for you. I am praying for you, Julie.

  5. I'm praying for you daily. I'm so sorry that you are still dealing with this. I know more about what to pray about now that you have shared.


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