My Heart Is Overwhelmed

It's been a difficult week during what should have been a week of joy and celebration. We didn't have our Christmas as a family this year and the presents are still unopened. My heart is overwhelmed and my body is weak.

The dramas started with my CT scan that was scheduled for December 16th.  I got there an hour early as I have to drink that contrast liquid that helps them to see things. It's not very good and it's really hard on the kidneys but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I was called back and then the tech went to put the IV in for the iodine that allows them to see the organs (and the cancer on the organs). She could not get the IV in! She then called another tech and she couldn't get the IV in either! Now, I've never had anyone not be able to put an IV in my two veins that are very prominent, but neither could do it. So guess what? They sent me home! I was in tears and just devastated that my test wasn't going to be done. As I went out, I stopped at the desk to see if I could have it done the next day at their other clinic.  Thankfully, they had one appointment left and I was able to take it. I went the next day and it was like a totally different experience. This tech got the IV in immediately and we got the scan done. What an experience!

The next day my husband started getting sick. Not like a cold or flu, but just not feeling good and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. He would be fine one minute and the next not. He is a diabetic and his sugars were all over the place. He wasn't eating well or drinking enough water and I thought it was a reaction to all the stress that we have been under with the cancer and then the two days of trying to get my CT scans. We were also waiting with bated breath for the results of my scan and that was stressful.

I didn't hear and I didn't hear and finally called the nurse, who is my contact for getting results or for getting help if I'm having chemo side effects and such. Let me start this by saying that I have called this nurse infrequently as I only call if I really need help. The problem is, she NEVER calls me back.  I tried calling her the Thursday after my scan to ask if they had gotten the results. No call back. I tried again on Friday morning as I was scheduled to do my chemo the following Monday and I needed to know if that was still going forward. No call back. I finally called the office manager and complained about her. I really don't like doing that but it's not good when I'm two hours away from my doctor's office and I can't get her to call me back. Anyway, the office manager said she was very sorry and that she would look into it. I got a call back twenty minutes later from my doctor's PA and was told that the cancer was gone from my lungs but that I still had a spot on my liver.  It has gone down a lot but I will have to continue with the next three chemo treatments.  I was kind of disappointed but I know that the Lord knows what is best and I'm trusting that He is working this out for my best. My PA also thought it would be good for me to have Christmas with my family and have a relaxing week so she said we would put off my chemo for one week to the 30th of December so I could have a good Christmas. Little did we know then that that was not going to happen but that it was a blessing that she put it off one week anyway!

On the 23rd, my husband took a turn for the worst and my oldest son took him to the ER. They couldn't figure out what was wrong and admitted him.  They did all kinds of tests and his white blood cell count was high, his red blood cells low, and everything just seemed out of whack. Unfortunately, the doctor they have at this hospital doesn't seem all that competent and we were never sure what was going on. They did give him antibiotics, which seemed to help him, but we were not told why. Also, I have not been able to go and visit him at the hospital because of my own immune system being compromised by the chemo. Thankfully, both my sons have been there taking turns to be with my husband. Yesterday, the 26th, they moved him to the hospital in the next town over. They told us they thought it was a cardio issue and that hospital specializes in that. When my son got there, the doctor immediately said to him, "He has pneumonia, we see." Evidently, they knew this at the hospital but no one ever told us! They gave him antibiotics for this and he sounded so much better when I talked to him last night. However, my husband has high anxiety when it comes to being in the hospital and he had a rough night. They called me to talk to him during the night but he was too anxious for it to make a difference. Finally, they were able to give him something for this and he did fall asleep but not before my son had to go up there and try and help him feel better. It makes for a very stressful situation for us all - especially me as I'm not able to go to him and be with him. We have no idea how long he will be there but I'm sure it's going to be at least a few more days.

We decided we didn't want to have Christmas without him so all our presents are still wrapped and waiting. We have all been exhausted and, while I know the reason for Christmas is still the most important thing, the sadness we have all felt as we go through not only my illness, but my husbands, has been very difficult. Let's be honest - we all have such high expectations of Christmas and spending it together. I have no idea at this point when we will actually have our family time together.

I go for my next chemo treatment on Monday and it's stressing me out because I know that not only will my sons have to help my husband, they will have to help me. There will be times that they can't be in two places at once and they both work so I'm trusting God to work it all out.

Would you please keep us all in prayer? I am clinging to the Rock with all my might and trusting Him because I know that He will take care of us. My heart knows this truth but my mind doesn't always follow what my heart knows and fear creeps in. I truly need your prayers and thank you for them!

Blessings - Julie