Look Up!

 As I have walked this road this year of health struggles and pain, I have come to realize that without God, there is no going forward. God gives hope where there is none. When I have no one on this earth to put my faith in, God is the One who is faithful. He holds my entire life in His hands and I can trust him and have faith in Him that He knows what He's doing when no one else does.

It's been a hard journey, not only for me, but for my family. In the blink of an eye, something can happen than can change the course of your life and you are helpless to do anything but go forward and pray each day that you will make it through.

Thankfully, I have had no new infections for which I am so very grateful. Unfortunately, the wounds are not healing properly and they are a concern to my doctor. He at first talked about another surgery at which time my heart dropped to my toes. I have had four surgeries this year and another one seems so daunting. I personally think the reason I'm not healing well is because my body is worn out but I digress. He brought another doctor in as well as his PA and they thought stem cells might work. So, now I wait to see if my insurance will approve this and, if they do, they will place stem cells in the wounds to give them a boost. Oh, how I pray that I'm allowed to get this procedure and that it works! If it doesn't then I will have to have another surgery.

I try to live as normally as I can. I plan out my days and, more times than not, I don't accomplish but a 10th or less of those plans. I'm still house bound so these are things I want to accomplish at home. I celebrate even the little accomplishments because they are huge for me. Putting a meal in the crock pot, dusting, or decorating are reasons to feel good. I was looking at it before as all the things I couldn't do, but that will bring me down lower than I can handle, so I focus on what I can do.

There are people that sustain me. My husband, who is my rock when I can't do anything but cry. He waits on me - not because I ask - but he does it out of love. Ice water, a grilled cheese sandwich, carrying my books from room to room, making sure the pillows are perfect under my legs when I get into bed; these are the things that remind me of how Jesus washed the Disciples feet. My youngest son who drives me two hours away to my doctor appointment despite being tired and in pain himself. My oldest son who comes over and takes on some of the household duties on his days off because I'm unable to. My sweet friend who writes me a Scripture and devotion every morning in a text so that I wake up to God's Word and a reminder that I am loved by her. My sister who emails me with encouragement and prayers, calls me to check on me, and prays continually for my healing; she has known me all my life and loves me in a way no one else can and she sustains me. These are the people who reach out to me, love me even on the hard days, and keep me moving forward. God has blessed me with a loving core group to get me through the hardness of this journey.

I do not forget you, my dear friends. So many of you email me to check on me, leave comments of encouragement and to tell me that you're praying for me. These are lifelines and I am so grateful. You are also the hands and feet of Jesus to me even though I have never met most of you in person.

The key is not to look down at what I can't do, what is left undone, but to focus on the accomplishments and to look up to the One who holds the whole situation - and me - in His mighty and loving hands.

God bless you - Julie

Roller Coaster Ride of Life

I've been riding that roller coaster of life for the past few weeks. The scariest part came last Friday when I went to see my vascular surgeon (who did the bypass in my leg) and my infectious disease doctor. Let me back up in my story, though, so you know what's been going on.

About a week and a half ago, my two in home nurses were here. The wound care nurse pulled my bandage off my knee, with my injection nurse watching, and they both said, "Uh-oh" in unison. This is something you never, ever want to hear from your caregiver. There was puss in the knee wound and a new hole had formed. My nurse took a culture and sent it to both my wound care doctor and my infectious disease doctor. We had a preliminary result on that Friday, but the infectious disease doctor wanted to grow it out. When I went to my wound care center, he was not concerned about it and didn't put me on anything. My infectious disease doctor decided he wanted to wait and see the wound when I saw him on Friday. I really wasn't worried as no one else seemed to be.

Back to my appointment....so the vascular doctor looked at everything, pronounced it looking good and moved on. I had to wait for my infectious disease doctor who did not pronounce it all good and made some ominous suppositions. The hole in my knee is about the size of a q-tip end and tunnels about 3-4cm. After looking at my culture, my infectious disease doctor put me back on the IV meds (2 different kinds, including Vancomyacin) and then proceeded to scare the living daylights out of me when he said, "We need to make sure that this infection hasn't gotten into the knee joint hardware." I asked him what that would mean if it did and he said, "You would have to have this knee joint taken out and a new one put in." The room went quiet and then I started crying. My doctors just stood there while I cried as they just didn't know what to say.  I composed myself and the doctor got an MRI arranged that afternoon with the sister hospital to the one I went to. That was a small miracle because my insurance approved it over the phone and they had an opening for me to do the MRI. I had to lie on the table for over one hour as they did a huge section of my leg to check for infection. I was amazed that I was able to lie there without my back killing me. That was truly God helping me! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get up...but I finally did!

I am asking for prayer, dear friends. Please pray that there is no infection in the hardware. I'll be honest - I just am so exhausted by all this and the thought of another surgery sends me into panic mode and just despair. I am praying fervently that my knee replacement is fine and that these IV meds will take care of whatever there is in the tissue. I'm asking you to agree with me in prayer on this.

I talked with my sister last week about all this and was in tears as I was telling her. She said to me, "Julie, God and satan are in battle over you." That stopped me cold as I never thought about that at all. She said it was like Job and how the Lord allowed satan to test Job to prove that Job would be faithful no matter what. She said I was the same way and that satan was trying to break me down. I will not allow him to break me down and nothing - nothing - will make me ever lose my faith in my true Lord, Jesus, or to turn away from Him. Without Him, I am nothing! I love Him too much and He is my everything!

I thank you for your prayers, your sweet comments and your love! They truly have sustained me through these last few difficult months. You are all so special to me and I thank God for you!

Blessings - Julie

Good Days & Bad Days

I am sorry I haven't written a personal post for a few days! My days are just filled with therapies and doctor appointments and then I'm exhausted! I also don't want to bore you with all the details of these said activities! lol

I will share that I did get into the Wound Care Center and, I believe, this is going to help me finally get the healing I need! It was an amazing experience because when I was called back, the first nurse I saw is someone from my church and she said she had been praying for me through all this. This calmed my heart so much! I was a nervous wreck before this appointment because of all the crazy things that have happened. Then she told me that the NP who would be working on my wounds also goes to my church. *insert huge sigh here* God is so good to orchestrate exactly what we need. Anyway, they really know what they are doing and I will also be getting the supplies I need at home to help me take care of my wounds. I never could get anything like this from my surgeon as he was quite adamant that he wasn't getting reimbursed for these supplies and he didn't want to have to pay for them. What is so ridiculous is that if he would have just contacted my insurance company, he would have found out that they do cover the supplies through a medical supply company that I already use. They cleaned up the wounds, which wasn't painful at the time because they used a numbing cream ahead of time. However, I have been in a lot of pain since, but it's a good pain because I know it's helping my body to grow healthy tissue.

They did bring up the wound vac. Remember how the surgeon kept bringing this up and I didn't want to do it because I would have to be put under again? I asked them who would do it and they told me they did it there. I then told them I really didn't want to be put under again...they looked at me like I had alligators crawling out of my ears! They said, "You don't get put under to put a wound vac on. It is a topical device that just goes over the wounds." They thought I was confused but my son piped up and said, "No, he told us he wanted to put on a wound vac." I heard it each and every time I went in there so I knew it was a wound vac. All I have to say about this is, "Hmmmm.....".

Holly is slowly getting sicker. She is still eating and drinking but I notice she's sleeping a lot more. She's not in pain, thank the Lord, so we are just keeping her comfortable and giving her whatever she wants. My heart just breaks at the thought of losing her but it's all in God's hands and I know I must accept what is. She's been such a good dog and such a sweet companion. That's what I'm focusing on and thankful that I had the time I did with her.

I am crocheting and I did get my painting table cleared off (again!) but by the time I did that, I was too tired to paint! lol At least it's ready for when I am ready. I have my good days and my bad days and I'm learning it's okay to rest when I need to rest.

I'm so thankful for your sweet comments and encouragements! They mean so much to me!

Blessings - Julie