I would love to tell you that I am strong, going forward with determination and joy. However, I can't honestly tell you that. I have been struggling so much with what I'm going through with this ileostomy and the waiting and wondering of what's going to happen. The uncertainty wreaks havoc with my mind and I have days that are dark and dismal. I know all the things the Lord tells us in His Word but some days it's hard to believe it in my heart. The darkness descends and the enemy whispers his fearful thoughts into my ear and I believe each and every negative thought. The one thing the evil one reminds me over and over is that God is punishing me for some horrible thing I’ve done (I’m never sure what this horrible thing is) and that He doesn’t really care about me at all. This, my friends, is a deep, dark place to be.
I am still waiting to hear from the new surgeon’s office. They have had my records nearly two weeks and it has been torture waiting. I still don’t know if he will even see me, let alone fix this mess I’ve been left with. My heart tells me to have faith and hope but my mind reminds me that I have been down long, horrible roads before and this could be an endless one.
I try very hard to not talk about my issues too much. Frankly, most people don’t want to hear about it, and if they do, they want the condensed version. I understand this but sometimes the road gets too lonely...the pit too dark. We all need people to come along side us to shine the light into the darkness and remind us we are not alone. Yes, in my soul, I know God is there but how good is it to have real, human contact in these hard places.
This is where I am right now. Struggling to reach those rays of light and hold dear the promises from the One who holds our lives in His loving hands. I pray that I will feel them on my face and be able to touch the promises of healing through Jesus and the human hand of a skilled surgeon that the Lord will use. My heart longs for the prayers of others to sustain me and to help carry me through.
Blessings - Julie
