Wednesday, March 21, 2018

The Deep, Dark Place

I would love to tell you that I am strong, going forward with determination and joy. However, I can't honestly tell you that. I have been struggling so much with what I'm going through with this ileostomy and the waiting and wondering of what's going to happen. The uncertainty wreaks havoc with my mind and I have days that are dark and dismal. I know all the things the Lord tells us in His Word but some days it's hard to believe it in my heart. The darkness descends and the enemy whispers his fearful thoughts into my ear and I believe each and every negative thought. The one thing the evil one reminds me over and over is that God is punishing me for some horrible thing I’ve done (I’m never sure what this horrible thing is) and that He doesn’t really care about me at all. This, my friends, is a deep, dark place to be. 

I am still waiting to hear from the new surgeon’s office. They have had my records nearly two weeks and it has been torture waiting. I still don’t know if he will even see me, let alone fix this mess I’ve been left with. My heart tells me to have faith and hope but my mind reminds me that I have been down long, horrible roads before and this could be an endless one. 

I try very hard to not talk about my issues too much. Frankly, most people don’t want to hear about it, and if they do, they want the condensed version. I understand this but sometimes the road gets too lonely...the pit too dark. We all need people to come along side us to shine the light into the darkness and remind us we are not alone. Yes, in my soul, I know God is there but how good is it to have real, human contact in these hard places. 

This is where I am right now. Struggling to reach those rays of light and hold dear the promises from the One who holds our lives in His loving hands. I pray that I will feel them on my face and be able to touch the promises of healing through Jesus and the human hand of a skilled surgeon that the Lord will use. My heart longs for the prayers of others to sustain me and to help carry me through. 

Blessings - Julie 


  1. I am praying for you dear Julie. I DO think you should call this surgeon once again. I have gotten in for second opinions immediately. Call.
    I know just how you are feeling Julie. I too am struggling after the surgery here.

  2. I am faithfully praying, dear friend. I am SO sorry you are going through such darkness. It is REAL, and I believe this is where Jesus was when He hung on the cross and cried, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" He knows SO well how it feels to literally be God-forsaken, so He understands more deeply than anyone ever could. Please don't give up hope. Even though this is SO incredibly dark, you are not in the darkness alone. He is WITH you IN it, and He will not walk out of this fiery furnace one second before you do. He will stay in there with you, and the fire will only serve to burn off the binding ropes. You WILL walk out of this set free, with Jesus still walking by your side. May you feel His comforting arms around you in every moment of grief. I agree with Vickie...I think something may have fallen through the cracks, and they need to be reminded how important it is that this move forward as quickly as possible. I will surely continue to pray. Sending much love to you today.


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