Friday, March 19, 2010

My lights a little dim right now . . .

I'm so emotionally and physically drained, I hope I can post something coherent here. It's been another crazy week with crazy things happening. I'm finding I want to stay in my bedroom and let the world pass me by - but that just doesn't work out well in the real world.

I was reading a passage of scripture this morning. It really spoke to my heart in a way that nothing probably could have:

"How wonderful it is, how pleasant, when brothers live together in harmony! For harmony is as precious as the fragrant anointing oil that was poured over Aaron's head, that ran down his beard and unto the border of his robe. Harmony is as refreshing as the dew from Mount Hermon that falls on the mountains of Zion. And the LORD has pronounced his blessing, even life forevermore." Psalm 133:1-3 NLT

I miss the harmony in my home. Our little family of four has always been happy, getting along and just totally enjoying each other. We've lived with Christ as the center of our lives and home - which brings peace. It's very difficult having a person in the house that brings turmoil and dissent. Her hate (not too strong a word) for God just permeates everything. She is always looking for something to satisfy her. We know what it is she is looking for (Jesus) but she refuses to hear about it. Every time we are going to church, reading the Bible or doing our Bible studies, she has something horrible to say. It's especially hard when you're on the way out the door to church to be lambasted with vicious words. It doesn't exactly make for a peaceful way to go to church.

The hardest part of all this for me is to be thrown back into my childhood, in a sense. I grew up in a family where there was always some kind of turmoil of one kind or another going on. There was always battles going on and slights being felt; whether real or imagined. I lived my life in my room to get away from all that stuff and am doing the same thing again. I'm hiding. That's how I'm able to handle things at this time. I am so exhausted from all the work we've had to do to get our home comfortable for her and to moving her here, I can't deal with anymore. I need to rest and get strong again.

"Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter for me, A strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings." Psalm 61:1-4 NKJV

How wonderful that we can cry out to God and have his mercy and peace. Isn't it awesome that we do have a Rock that we can stand on while the waters of turmoil swirl around us. I know this, but I'm still crawling up that rock. This all makes me very emotional and I'm still dealing with the emotions of being criticized and wounded when I haven't done anything to deserve it. I will continue to cling to the Rock and eventually I will make it to the top. I will be able to deal with all this with grace. Forgive me if it's taking me some time; God is working a work in me through this.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be trasformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2 ESV

This can only be done by being in the Word, hiding it in my heart, and praying and crying out to Him. Only He can renew me and help me to have the love and grace for a person who persecutes me and my family for our faith.

". . .live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4 1-3 NIV

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. . . . Live in harmony with one another. . . .Repay no one eveil for eveil but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:14, 16, 17-21

These are the scriptures that I am meditating on. It's so easy to be nice to those who are nice to us, but how much better if we are nice to those who are not nice. I am not being mean to her, just avoiding her, however, God calls me to be good despite my feelings or emotions. To show goodness, I have to quit hiding in my bedroom. lol I SO want to be a light for God to my mother-in-law. She may not see it ever, but I know the Lord will see it, and I'm doing it for him anyway. I have to do exactly what this blog says; Have less of Julie (my feelings, wants and emotions) and strive for more of Jesus.

Oh, Jesus, abide in me and I will abide in you. Give me your peace beyond all understanding. Help me to be a shining light in a dark circumstance and to always show your love to all.

God bless you - Julie


  1. I am so sad to hear this, Julie. I believe that through the power of the Holy Spirit, God will enable you to do anything He calls you to do. Suffering is never wasted.

  2. Good post Julie,letting us see the real you!!! And we all need more work I'm so glad that God is able to help us go above & beyond what we think we can do.May God lead & guide you through this season of testing!!!
    Love you Julie and have a blessed weekend,like you said you're doing good for Jesus,and that thought can make it a little easier to deal with your Mother-in-law. :)

  3. Bless your heart, I've been there. My childhood was like that with my alcoholic Daddy until he quit drinking when I was about 8 years old. However, he was still a lost old coot and he didn't get saved until I had married and left home. I got lost in books and that was my escape.

    "Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world", my paraphrase. You're right, this is a time of testing, but realizing that doesn't necessarily make it any easier to endure.

    For everyone's sake, I pray that God will convict your MIL's heart and soften it, and that she'll be saved SOON!

    Hang in there, Julie, and have a good weekend if you can, with His help.

    Love and big hugs,


  4. There may come a time when you will have to stand up as Jesus did with one of his beloved disciples and say (outloud) "Get behind me satan!" Don't be afraid to do that. It will probably calm her right down since it is not her own self that is saying those things. We were created to worship HIM and those filled with such hate for God are always doing the work of the enemy. I do know first hand what it is like to live in a house with someone who is so penitrated with the demonic that it effects you emotionally AND physically, and to have it be someone you love makes it harder. When Charlotte came to me she was bathed in the demonic and anytime the name of Jesus was spojen (or even sang on a cd) she would hide under a table or behind a chair. She had been taught to hate good and love evil. I KNOW what you are going through. BLAST praise and worship music in your home and do not let the enemy take over your dwelling!!! Greater is He that is in you than he that is in your MIL.

  5. Dear Julie,

    I really don't know what the other comments were, so I am sorry if I am repeating the same thing someone else said it....

    My heart ached as I read this post....((((((a big hug))))))
    The scriptures your posted are a wonderful..... yes, it's a whole lot easier to love the loving....

    I am currently reading a book on how to deal with hard situations, there seems to be a story similar to yours.....the author suggests...... when your mil says something negative about you going to church or during your BS, say something like "I'm sorry you feel the way you do, I am glad you let us know.....I am also glad you know how we feel, and since neither of us are willing to change, we must make the best out this, so I don't say nothing about your beliefs and hope you respect us by not saying anymore about ours" keep repeating this to her, eventually it will sink in her head.
    Assure her that you love her despite her beliefs.
    I will be praying for you my sweet sister.

  6. Julie,

    Just keep clinging to the scriptures...God will see you through. Take time to rest and meditate on God.

    As I said in my email...I am praying!


  7. Oh my, I can't imagine how hard this has to be for you. Thank God we have Him to carry us thru.
    p.s. love your new header!


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