Sunday, January 16, 2011


I wish I were this beautiful in my pain and grief, but alas, I am not. I will not show you a picture of what I look like - it would be too horrifying for words.  I haven't had a hair cut since August (my beautician will be shocked at how long my hair has gotten!) and I'm not wearing a beautiful flowing gown like this lady.  I'm in my jammies - my green jammies with bugs and flowers all over. My jammies are comfortable, but nothing I would want to share a picture of, especially with me in them! I am just me.

I spent another day in pain (I know - big shock). It's a different kind of pain and anything new is at least, well....different.  My son (who also has a herniated disc) has told me after his shots that he feels like his back won't support him.  I didn't understand, but I do now.  The last two days have taught me exactly what he means. I am having to have heat on my back at all times, or I can't stand the pain.  It almost pushes the air out of me.

I wasn't able to go to my leader's retreat yesterday or today. I would have never made it - physically, emotionally, or mentally. I'm sad because I wanted to go - I needed to go - but evidently, the Lord does not agree.  He has other plans for me - other things He's wanting to teach me.

I did crochet today, which was a blessing. I am making things for my Etsy shop. It's such a relief to be able to take my mind off my pain by crocheting. Every time I pick up my yarn and hook, I think of my precious Grandmother that sat me down at 4 years old and taught me to do something that would be a constant throughout my life. After 45 years of crocheting, I can honestly say it was truly one of the two greatest gifts my Grandmother gave me. The first gift was time spent in God's Word and hiding it in my heart. She taught me the importance of Bible study and memorizing Scripture. God bless my dear Grandmother.

I'm praying for wisdom. I know that I need to get well.  I know that I need to back off of most everything in my life that I've been doing.  I must.  I have been fighting this.  I honestly thought that by now I would be completely well and over this pain. It was a devastating realization to me the other day that I'm better, but not at all well.  It was grief all over again. However, today, during my prayer time and quiet time, I realized that this is more evidence of my not relinquishing control over to the Lord and letting it be HIS timing and not mine. I can't worry about what others may think of me because I can't do certain things - I can't worry if my house is not spotless - I can't worry if I'm not the "perfect person".  I just can't.  I must take this time to get completely over this.

One pattern I can see throughout my life is this:  I have pushed through, worked like a man, put my own health and well-being in detriment, worried about what others thought and have basically been a martyr.  I wouldn't have admitted the martyr part before, but I will now, because I'm not a martyr any longer. However, having said that, I do still struggle with what I should be doing or what others might be thinking about me if I don't live up to what they think I should be doing.  I just can't worry about that anymore.  No one has to live with my pain but me.  If I over-do because of expectations that others put on me, will they have to live with my body that is screaming out in agony?  No, and because of that, I'm going to listen to God and to my body and allow myself to heal.  It really is okay to take care of myself!  If you're struggling with pain or illness - please allow yourself to heal.  It really is okay.

I love the Lord more than anything else.  I just want to live for Him.  If my going through all this is going to make me more usable to Him, then I submit.  If at this time, I must be quiet and heal because it is part of His purpose, then so be it.  I have to get out of the way and let the Lord do His mighty work in me for His purpose.  I submit, Lord.

God bless you - Julie 


  1. A false sense of responsibility is what my husband and I have been free from since we left AZ. We didn't realize how much we depended on what other's thought and 'works' rather than just sitting at the feet of the Lord and letting Him through the Holy Spirit 'lead us and guide us into all truth'.
    I believe that when we realize this then true healing can begin, whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual.
    Be blessed this week!

  2. You are being a blessing to me and other by admitting all this. ((HUGS).

  3. Brenda: Thank you for your words of wisdom. What a blessing you are. I have been in prayer over everything and it's amazing how this morning I'm getting the same kind of comments from my loved ones and friends. Thank you for sharing what the Lord laid on your heart!!

    God bless - Julie

  4. Kristy: You are such a blessing. It is really, really hard sharing all this. I wrote this at 2:00 am when I couldn't sleep. When I woke up this morning, I second guessed myself. Should I have "laid it all our there" like I did? What will people think? *sigh* I'm realizing that it was really God's will I lay it out - my prayers have been answered in so many ways today.

    God bless you as you deal with this hard life - day by day! My prayers are with you!

    Love, Julie

  5. I am sorry you are having such pain. I am not sure how I would be able to get through it. I always loved to crochet and made lots of beanies and hats for children for my etsy shop that I have on extended vacation because my fingers don't like to cooperate. I have inherited some arthritis and my fingers are beginning to bend and hurt when I crochet.

    I am still able to embroider but cross stitch is hard too. Oh well! Hope you will be finding relief soon!

    Kindly, Lorraine

  6. (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry for your pain. I can really relate and besides being fully exhausting, it's heart wrenching when we can't accomplish our tasks at hand.

    I will surely be praying for you. I really appreciated your precious comment this morning.


Please leave me a message! I love hearing what you have to say and look forward to your comments.