Friday, August 26, 2011

This Is My Truth

This is a warning:  I'm going to be frank and honest in this post and if you can't handle it, read no further. 

I'm in horrific pain again. I'm rather down. I'm on the verge of tears every waking moment and many times during the day the tears fall. I spend time alone because I can't bear to "put on a good front". I'm alone in my pain and I'm tired of it being my companion. It tortures me in body and thought. To relieve the pain, I take pain medication. The medication makes me lose my memory. I repeat myself over and over again. My family is kind about it but I can tell it worries them.  It worries me.  Is this memory loss going to be permanent? Will I ever be able to get off the pain meds enough to function normally again?

I don't talk on the phone if I can help it.  It's too difficult to carry on a conversation with this pain. Yes, I love hearing from my family and friends, but it's too hard right now to even talk on the phone. This isolates me even more. I feel forgotten at times. Who wants to hear about my pain over and over again? I do nothing of significance so I have nothing much to talk about but my pain. I know I have lost blog readers, too, because I have talked of nothing else but my pain for the past (almost) year. I'm sure I'll lose blog readers after this post, too. 

I feel abandoned by God. I know intellectually that He is working in me through this. I tell myself this all the time but I have to be honest. I feel He has abandoned me.  I've lost so much in the past year. The pain keeps me from doing so many of the things I love like attending church, being at my prayer meetings and jail ministry meetings, Bible studies, having coffee with my friends, working at the church office, painting, quilting, and the list goes on and on and grows with each passing day that the pain gets worse. I can't even go out to my studio now because sitting anywhere but my recliner is just impossible. I feel like I'm in the shadows and somehow God can't see me.  He doesn't see how much pain I'm in, He doesn't remember I'm here. 

I'm in the shadows for a lot of people, really.  Yes, I have a few faithful friends who text me and check in on me (and I apologize to you when I don't always text back...I just can't at the time), who email me and say "How are you" (I apologize for not always writing back right away), for my family members who send me cards of encouragement (thanks, Sis!), and for my family who has to live with this day by day in this house.  They haven't ever made me feel like I'm a burden and I'm very thankful for that. However, I have lost a lot of friends through this, too.  It happened to me just yesterday that someone I thought was a good friend told me that they felt I was pushing them away because of my health issues and they have been giving me the cold shoulder for the past few weeks. I guess they didn't realize that I don't mean to push anyone away...I'm just not always capable of reaching out the way I should and the drugs definitely make me foggy minded and not always myself. Pushing anyone away? No! I need friends more than ever now. Since this person is such a good friend, like-minded in so many ways, I was shocked that I was being dropped like a hot potato in my time of need. I cried my heart out last night over the fact that this person wasn't more compassionate and in-tune with what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm just asking too much.

I've also lost my drive. Many days I just sit and crochet or read or watch TV or play my online game because I don't have the energy to do anything else. I want to write, I have so many things I want to do but the motivation isn't there anymore.  I ask myself, "What's the point"?  I exist. I breathe. That's about it. Even my blog has suffered because I have nothing to say but what I'm saying now. Again, no one wants to hear the truth...they can't handle the truth. It's depressing. Welcome to my world.

I've been trying to read the self-help books about changing my thinking but I don't get very far. I try and write down my goals and work on things during this time but, again, I don't get very far. I've given up on my dreams. It hurts too much to dream.

I don't look to this ending like I used to.  I thought I would be back doing all my things at church by this time. I thought I would be healed enough to live again, but instead, I've had what my doctor calls a "flare up" and I live with excruciating pain again.  The kind of pain that brings me to my knees and has me sobbing uncontrollably.  The kind of pain that makes me want to hide in my bedroom with the door shut because I don't want anyone to see the kind of pain I'm really in. 

I do pray that the Lord will heal me, but honestly, I've rather given up on this. I'm 49 years old and some days I feel like my life as I knew it is over. I'm old now. Pain makes you old quickly.  I look in the mirror and I don't know the face staring back at me.  It's a pale face with dark circles under the eyes. You can see the pain etched in my face.

This is my truth...this is what I live with.



  1. Julie, I am so sorry. I do read your posts, but don't always comment. I will try to encourage you more. I'm also sorry that your friend isn't standing beside you. I'm going to put you on my prayer list at church and have all the ladies in my class praying for you.

    Is it possible that you need a different medicine or maybe a different doctor??? There's got to be some kind of medicine that will help.

    As your friend....I'm telling you right now to stop speaking negatively. Satan hears that and loves it when you do it. You change that stinking thinking this minute and think good thoughts. They're in your mind, you just have to bring them to the surface. Thinking negatively and saying things out loud is not going to help you feel any better. Put that full armor of God on and when those negative thoughts come back, you fight them with all you have. God has not left you and never will. He's listening, even though it appears He isn't. There are times when I feel He isn't there with me, but He is.

    Lord, I ask that You be with Julie right now. I know she's feeling depressed and down. I ask that you give her a peace that can only come from You. Send someone that can minister to her during this time. Let her feel Your Holy Spirit all around her. Ease her pain and suffering, Lord. Your Word doesn't say that all our pain will end, but I ask that You heal Julie in the mighty name of God. I ask that You give her doctors wisdom in the right treatments just for her. Draw Julie closer to You during this time and draw all her strength from You. Speak to her through Your Word, friends, family and anyone or anything else You put in her life. Thank You for answering this prayer and giving Julie peace, Lord. I ask this in Your precious Holy name. Amen

    Anytime you need to talk, you contact me at: I'm here to listen. Blessings!

  2. Dear Julie,

    I just prayed for you. I have no words and am so sorry about this terrible pain you have.

    I love the prayer of momof3girls wrote. Praying that for you too.

    Kindly, Lorraine

  3. Dearest Julie,
    I am still praying and I am agreement with the prayers said above.

    ((((Hugs)))) Tamara

  4. I am still here. I love you. I wish I could do more. I am praying for you.

  5. I'm praying for you, Julie. You are not forgotten by God, and you are not forgotten by me. Remember that the trials of this life are nothing compared with the glory that awaits us in heaven. Read Psalm 139:11-12, and please don't give up. God has a plan for you.

  6. Jim Martin Ministries. has a huge load of sermons you can download. Audio and video.
    We are attending his live-feed services via internet every Sun. am/pm and Wed. pm. This is a spirit-filled church and Pastor Jim delivers his messages with wisdom and integrity. He constantly directs us back to our personal relationship with the Lord through prayer, worship, fasting and the Word.
    I said all that to say... There is help. God is there. Sometimes people don't know what to say or do, and feel helpless as to how to help you. I know the Lord's desire is to heal, not leave you in pain to teach you a lesson. What was the cross for anyway? How does allowing us to go through pain to teach us help reach the lost and dying? Begin changing your confession and speak healing scriptures over yourself. I know this sounds rediculous when your praying scripture yet in horrible pain. Pay attention and be obedient to what He might be speaking to you about your situation. Is there an adjustment in your diet that needs to be made? Will losing weight help relieve pain? Ask the Lord what adjustments you can make.
    And on top of all of this: ditto Momof3girls.

  7. Heavenly Father,
    I pray that your joy would permeate Julie's soul, and that she would not believe the despair of the enemy. May you give her hope for the future. We ask that you heal her, and whenever she's in pain, I pray that you would give her glimpses of the treasure that you are changing the pain into. Because You never waste our pain but change it into something glorious, just like you did with me and the rape. Thank You, God, that no matter what happens, Your presence can descend upon us and give us peace. Amen.

  8. Dear Julie,

    My heart and prayers go out to you today as I sit in aggreement with the loving prayer warriors who posted above. I understand some of what your are going through because I was there in daily pain for a few months a year and a half ago and oh, girrrrrrl that daily pain was no joke. I mentally/spiritually held on to Jesus' hand, studied scriptures and studied books or articles about diet, biblical food/herbs as I worked closely with my primary MD and specialists. Also listen to soothing music. Dr. Colbert, MD wrote a series of little booklets titled "The Bible Cure for" various conditions (heart disease, cancer, skin disorders). Perhaps he has a booklet that pertains to your condition or similar to it. You can order it at your local bible book store or call him at 1-800-599-5750. Another good book is titled "What Would Jesus Eat."
    I pray that this is helpful information as you hold on to Jesus' hand :)

  9. I agree w/ Priscilla. Excellent books!

  10. Oh Julie.... I wish I had seen this prior to my comment above. My heart breaks for you, for I know this desperate pain-filled, isolated place. Sadly and thankfully, few ever grasp the level of pain which is humanly possible (yet almost impossible) to endure. Words of comfort at this time just float by, as what our brain needs is 2 minutes of less pain. A break, a breather.

    We know even uttering the words "the pain is horrid) just makes it worse, but is worse possible? Sometimes, the only relief I could find was taking anti-nausea meds that knocked me out for a bit...

    "Flares" are tough...I am praying fervently that you get a break... Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... You are such a blessing to me, Julie. Your strength amazes me. Many gentle ( ((HUGS))).

  11. Thanks for commenting on my blog today. I surely understand where you are coming from. Don't fret too much over feeling that God has let you down... it's a side effect of chronic pain and we have a God Who understands our frailty. May His compassion overwhelm you...

    Praying for a respite in your pain, Glenys


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