Saturday, February 8, 2020

A Good and Holy Purpose

I awaken and in those first few moments of morning light, everything feels normal in my life. Then I remember that things are out of my control. I remember that I have cancer and that my dear husband has been in the hospital for over six weeks now.  It’s a jolt to my heart and mind when I realize this each day. It’s then that I also remember I have a choice. I can rely on my own strength and wisdom or I can rely on the strength and wisdom of God. This seems like a simple choice really, but my first inclination is that I need to fix things and figure things out myself. Why do we do this when we have a great God who reminded us over and over in His beautiful Word that He is our rock, our strength and our shield? There is still that pride within ourselves that we know best. However, only God’s way is perfect and only He can make my way perfect. So, after a few moments of the inner struggle, I bow my heart and head to give it all over to the Lord. 

As of today, my husband is still in the hospital. I believe the issue we took him in for has finally been addressed but it’s been an up hill battle (literally) to get anything done.  They are so focused on his age that they didn’t even look at the obvious. It was only after he had a bleeding episode that they finally got him in for the colonoscopy that we had been asking (demanding) be done. That was when they found 3 ulcers in his colon and an open, bleeding blood vessel! The doctor cauterized them and fixed the blood vessel and we are all so happy to see my husband improving day by day. That being said, because they waited so long to deal with this, he has a long road of recovery before him. We are most anxious to get him home and help him regain his strength and health. He longs to be home, too, and talks about it all the time with all of us.  Of course, since I’m in the process of doing chemo, I haven’t been to the hospital to see him.  My immune system is too compromised, and with all these horrible viruses going around in my area, it would be foolhardy to do so.  I have talked to him on the phone so I’m thankful we have been able to do that. 

Speaking of my immune system, this last blood test showed my white blood count dangerously low so now I'm even more compromised and being more careful than ever. The shocking thing is that I cannot eat any fresh veg or fruit because of the chance of bacteria being on them even after being washed.  I miss the fresh stuff but am making sure to eat my frozen veg, which has a lot of good stuff in it.

I have one more chemo treatment before surgery I am so anxious to get it over with as I am getting sicker and weaker with each treatment. My fingers are so numb now that I can barely type this. There are so many side effects to chemotherapy that we don't even realize until we're in it. I thought going into this that I would be able to get a lot of cross stitch and crochet done but my hands won't work well enough to do so.  I am trying to do other things, but honestly, I'm getting to the point where I sleep a lot because of the weakness and exhaustion.

The hardest part of all this is that some don't understand. I have been judged because of my husband being in the hospital so long. I have been judged for not being able to visit him. It's not easy to walk this road but it's even harder when you feel the judgement of others over things you can't control. This is when knowing Jesus is with me makes all the difference. He understands and has my circumstances under control and I have to trust Him in this journey. It's the same for you in your circumstances, whatever they may be.

I long for the normal days again. I long for days when I'm not so exhausted that walking from my bedroom to the kitchen feels like a marathon run. I long for feeling my fingers and toes again. I long to hold a needle in my hands without dropping it. I just long to feel like ME again. This person with cancer doesn't feel like me but it is.

God has a purpose in all this. He has brought other cancer survivors into my life to comfort me and I know that I will turn around and be a comfort to others on their journey. It's what we do. Our purpose is to know these hardships, just as Jesus did, so we can stand beside others, just as He does us. That, my friends, is a great and holy purpose that brings good out of the bad. In that, I can find joy.

Blessings - Julie 


  1. It was so wonderful to see a post from you today. I have been so concerned. I am SO sorry to hear of all you are going through and to know that your dear husband is still in the hospital. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to type this, both physically and emotionally. It is unbelievable that you are being judged in the midst of such pain. Oh, may the God of all comfort hold you extra close and lay His healing hand upon both you and your husband. I am continuing to pray for you and send much love to you today.

  2. Dear Julie I am so glad to read this post from you today. I am glad that David has received treatment and care and is healing and progressing towards getting HOME! One more treatment Julie. One more! I am praying for your both! God bless you all! Hang in there!

  3. I'm praying for you every day and will add your husband to my prayers. I hope he gets to come home soon.


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